The Shame That Holds Us Back
As I continue in doing my own work of self-discovery I'm finding how many of my life experiences lead to the same destination. This dark shrouded closet of forgotten emotions, memories, beliefs, traits and qualities. A collection of denied parts of who I am. Secrets to my true, authentic self. And I ask myself, "How did they get there? And what would my life be like if I was to bring them out now?"
The place I'm talking about goes by a few names: the denied self, the shadow, the unconscious, or blind spots. It's the side of our self where we virtually have no awareness. In some place and time the people in our lives told us that to be good boys and men we needed to cut these parts off. So we spend the rest of our lives suppressing these parts to be accepted.
However, like the phantom sensation one experiences when they loose a leg or arm, the brain continues to feel the limb long after it's been gone. Our soul continues to feel our lost parts though we can't see them. And unconsciously they impact every aspect of our lives.
I'm learning from my life, and what I'm learning from other men, is the root cause is shame.
In the book To Be A Man, Robert Masters describes shame as "probably the most hidden and misunderstood emotion. It's also the one most likely to motivate men to stay away from the help they need."
Shame, from an ancient word skem- meaning "to cover" as in to cover in disgrace or in humiliation. We've learned to use shame as a means to domesticate, train, or condition each other into acceptable ways of behaving. Shame acts like a shroud that covers the undesirable, disgraced, devalued parts of ourselves. The effect of shame is a sense of self-doubt, loss of esteem, unworthiness or feeling like an imposter.
Men can have different experiences when it comes to shame. We experience shame in our home, in school, among our friends and family, in our workplaces, out in society and now in social media. And when our shame is left unexplored it manifests in many unhealthy ways such as aggression towards the self or others, anxiety, depression, and addiction.
Shame is often confused with guilt. We may feel guilty when we do something wrong. With guilt, we can feel remorse and empathy, and learn and grow from our mistakes. Guilt on its own can be healthy for our maturation as learn new ways of being and connecting with others. The trouble lies when guilt is tied to shame.
Where guilt is focused on the wrongful act, shame attaches itself to the person. Shame passes judgment on the person and their character, as if there's something wrong or broken within them. Shame dehumanizes, humiliates, degrades, demoralizes and causes us to shrink. And it is this that keeps us stuck in self-sabotaging behaviours.
As men, we face many shameful moments. We are told to man up, be strong, be tough, to hide our emotions and how our esteem is tied to our performance as men, husbands, fathers, providers, workers etc. As men of color we must also contend with harmful stereotypes about our skin colour, physical features, intelligence, sexuality, self expression including our tone of voice.
For us to heal, grow and evolve to a sense of wholeness, we must explore these forgotten parts, and to learn from them. We can't fix the past or solve our shadow self. However, we can create an awareness of the present and learn ways to bring back those parts. By exploring these parts of self, we can find ways towards healing and growth and moves past the cycle that keeps us stuck.
With love,
Charles