Men, We Must Talk
I had a great childhood. I had everything that I needed. We lived in a good home, in a safe neighbourhood, with a good school and church community. We never had to worry about food or keeping the lights on and we took regular family trips. My folks were fun - most of the time. And I had a good mix of hobbies and friends, and I did fairly well in school. I couldn't ask for more.
It wasn't until later in life when I started my career and my own family I noticed things showing up for me, behaviours, thoughts and feelings within myself. They felt strange and familiar at the same time. They became increasingly frustrating over time. Whatever they were, they were getting in the way of me feeling fulfilled or satisfied.
I had done therapy at different stages of my life to explore these thoughts, feelings and behaviours with little gain. I took up meditation, and sought our guidance from my mentors. It wasn't until I joined a group of men when I was able to see what I've been struggling to see for myself. I was observing other men mirroring similar challenges in their own lives. I started to see how I was embodying sabotaging behaviours intended to keep me safe and was actually isolating myself. This also included not sharing what I was feeling, thinking or experiencing. I had learned ways of avoiding certain conversations, people or situations as a means of avoiding conflict and coping with stress. So for years, I kept all of my experiences, good and bad, bottled up within me. And I didn't realise how I was making life harder for myself and others. I was making myself sick and ruining many close relationships at the same time.
I learned how my childhood relationships, particularly with my parents, had impacted the way I saw myself and my world - and not necessarily for the good. How I had adopted limiting beliefs about myself and unconscious strategies to help me navigate difficult situations that may have served me when I was a child, but no longer do as I'm an adult man with children and responsibilities.
There's the famous quote from the 1999 movie Fight Club, by Brad Pitt's character, Tyler Durden who says, "The first rule of Fight Club is: you don't talk about Fight Club."
Conner Beaton, the founder of ManTalks, reframed this quote in his recent book Men's Work, "The One Rule of Men: Don't talk about what it's like to be a man who is struggling."
These rules suggest we do the one thing that is killing men mentally, emotionally, spiritually, physically and socially. We must not talk about the struggles we experience within ourselves. We must man up and suppress our feelings and thoughts, because if we do we risk making ourselves appear to be weak. And there's the paradox: in the effort to project our strength as men, while hiding what's happening within, we make ourselves fragile, and weak to the adversity of life.
This quote from bell hooks is the driving force and inspiration behind For Men of Color, “Rarely, if ever, are any of us healed in isolation. Healing is an act of communion.”
When we isolate ourselves, we are cutting ourselves off from experiences that could help us heal, grow, and create deep connections with men, women, our work and communities. We sit stuck in shame filled thoughts that only breeds anxiety, depression, hopelessness, resentment and rage. So we do our best to make ourselves small or invisible. We find spaces where we have full control. We use our anger to keep others at a distance. And we use drugs, alcohol, porn, sleep, or work to keep us from being with our thoughts and feelings. None of which helps.
It is when we share space with men who are committed to their own evolution that life will change. It is when we hear stories of struggle, and accomplishment, are we inspired to see ourselves from a new perspective with new possibilities. It is with men we are held with compassion and courage as we delve into the most challenging and rewarding conversations of how to be good at being men. The first step is to break out of isolation and get into communion with men.
Men, we must talk.
With love
Charles